he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
