dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
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Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
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Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.