the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday