the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
