So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
