My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
