he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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