I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I think I just sharted jello shots
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
