Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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