Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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