i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I wear drunk well.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
