return my video game
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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