what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
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At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
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I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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