When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
