my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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