Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
