Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
