I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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