someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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