I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
