i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
