I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
is that a dick in a sweater?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
