Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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