i just sent this text using only my big toe
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
