he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
