How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
