i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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