I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
