someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
