my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
