this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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