Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Enjoy the penises
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize