i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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