Your tits are I can't wait for
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
