Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
