she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
