the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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