Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
