I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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