god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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