I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
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No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
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I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by