Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.