You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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