Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
