I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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