I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm like, not good at living.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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