So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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