The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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