my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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