I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
