dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
