that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
