alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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