i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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