I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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