I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
