Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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