I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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