I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
