Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
