My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
