Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
