i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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