I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Randomize
