i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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