I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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