Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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